It is widely known among my friends, relatives and select acquaintances that I am a techie... in their words, "I speak computer."

Therefore, when something goes wrong with their computer, I am the last person they call. They have already tried everything they can to fix the problem. They have consulted their other friends and, perhaps, read a few articles on the Internet.

So by the time they call me, there is little or no chance to simply resolve the original issue. I am expected to magically solve all of the other issues that they have created with their ineptitude.

Tonight was no different. A friend called and told me that she was upset because her system was infected with a virus. And she knew this because different ads kept popping up on the screen every time she used Internet Explorer. We won't even mention what the older son was browsing or the damage inflicted by a young game-playing neighbor.

But I was puzzled. I had cleaned up her system more than six months ago and installed a good anti-virus program. It was a thirty-day free trial and I told her that she would need to purchase the registered version after thirty-days. After thirty-days, she did in fact purchase the registered version and duly printed out the license installation procedure.

When I arrived and booted the machine, the first message from the anti-virus was that it had been 196 days since the trial expired, and would I like to purchase the software?

I asked about the purchase and she handed me the software license information. After using the update function to enter the download username and password, the anti-virus was updated.

However, the damage had already been done. The system was infected with a malicious little Trojan known as bho.dmj and was manifested in a program named Adware.Virtumonde which was relatively benign as it didn't destroy her data files... only logged her keystrokes and then downloaded and displayed advertising depending on what was being typed.

A pesky bug contained in two main dynamic link libraries (.dll files) known as cbxOfxxy.dll and efccrhiH.dll; both of which were referenced by numerous registry entries as well as other programs. A fast web search yielded a complex repair process that involved editing the registry, unregistering inprocess servers and deleting a number of files. Or purchasing software which promised to fix the problem quickly and easily.

The registry deletes were easy. Many of the referenced programs did not even exist and apparently there was no way to delete these .dll programs as they were "locked" by the system. One virus scanner placed a copy in quarantine and promised that the offending files would be deleted after a re-boot. Didn't happen. Another virus scanner detected the file and flashed a message that the infection could only be remedied by the paid version -- just click here to purchase the registered version on our secured site. Yeah, right. Entering personal or credit card data with an active keystroke logger is sheer madness.

The unlock problem was quickly and easily solved with a free shareware program called "unlocker" which allows a file to be unlocked and deleted in a single pass. No re-boot required.

However, as with all utilities of this nature, you need to be extra cautious to avoid deleting a file which can cripple your machine to the point of uselessness -- which is guaranteed to require professional assistance to clean up the mess.  You need to know what you are deleting and exactly why the file should be deleted. Along with any other file dependencies it may have. If the malware is well-written, it may simply pop-up again under another name and continue this behavior until all of the infection is removed at the same time. You also need to be aware of what is in memory, the cache files and restore points. If you did not understand what I just said, call for help -- it is your only chance.

For this service, I do not expect much more than a thank you and possibly a cold drink. But I do expect you to follow-up on any advice that I might provide and if you don't understand it, ask me to explain it, re-explain it and keep at it until you understand what I am saying. After all, when one speaks computer, it sometimes gets in the way of communicating with humans.

What can YOU do?

Do not simply invite me over and casually mention that you are having problems with your computer. It may surprise you but I do not normally carry software, computer test equipment and backup storage everywhere I go.

OK, so I carry 8-gigabytes of flash drive on my keychain.  Surprise, this is for my own convenience using my own system. What may be needed to fix your problem may be miles away. So tell me up front that you are having problems and describe them to the best of your ability.

"Kaflooey" is not a technical description of what the computer program is actually doing when you call me. Tell me what programs you were using. What you were doing when the problem occurred and when you first noticed the problem. It is also helpful to know what you did while waiting for help to arrive. Swearing you didn't know how it happened seems very suspicious to me... there are two of us in the room and I know I didn't do it! Blaming it on others is very rarely helpful, since I know you tried all kinds of stuff to try and fix the problem before I arrived.

When I arrive, it would be nice to know that you have kept all of your original program disks in a single place so that there is some way to re-load the system should all of my efforts fail to produce the desired results.

It would also be nice to know that you have regularly backed-up your data files and that there is some way to re-load the data if all goes wrong and the base operating system and application programs need to be reloaded.

Even if you have not backed up your system, it still would be nice to know what programs you normally use and if there are any critical "must have" data files on the system.

I may be able to perform a backup on your system so it might be nice to have some writable CD-ROMs or DVDs around. If you think that a backup might be necessary, please mention it before I drive 50 miles at 8:00 p.m..

Do not stare over my shoulder, block my light or place your nose against the screen. It's just not helpful and it makes me want to whack you.

Likewise, do not ask me to teach you how to fix the problem so you don't have to call me next time. Especially before I know what the problem actually is.

Remember, there is no way I can impart a lifetime of education, trial-and-error and just plain lucky guesses to you in a few hours.  What I actually do is to follow a checklist in my head of likely causes and remedies that comes with a lifetime of experience. Sometimes even my hunches work out.

This reminds me of the golf pro who was playing with a talented amateur. The amateur kept remarking on how much better the pro played and asked was it possible to get a lesson. The pro replied that he had been playing professional golf for about twenty-plus years and queried, "wouldn't you think it was strange if, after all of that experience, you were able to play as well as me?" "And yes, I can give you a few pointers, but unless you practice for another five to ten years, you still won't be able to play as well as I do." Dejected, the amateur said he was going to just buy some new golf clubs -- and these would do the trick. For some time after that meeting, the pro referred to the amateur by the nickname "Copperfield" because any improvement in his game had to be done by magic.

Do not ask me which computer you should buy because I have no clue to what you want or need to accomplish with your system. My system was custom-built and is loaded with things that make me productive. I do not play games, listen to music or spend hours fooling around with gadgets -- unless they interest me.

Likewise I do not download commercial music, video or programs and share them with my friends. My software is licensed and legal -- so I feel free to harass the vendor with my complaints. So it is nothing personal when I refuse to share my programs with you. 

More often than not, I discover an unknown bug or request features which will wind up in the next version of the software... therefore I get superior technical support because I know what I am asking and how to ask for it.

If you see me call a vendor, do not try this on your own without being prepared. I have taught my methods to a few select people over the years and my current protege went from a timid mouse to someone who is comfortable calling the president of the company and asking for assistance. In all likelihood, I will not teach you how to do this as I have respect for the vendor's time and patience.

And above all, do not ask me to do anything illegal. In all likelihood, I may turn you in to the authorities... and your wife or loved one will be really mad at you. 

-- steve

Quote of the Day: "Perhaps the best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time." --Dean Acheson

A reminder from OneCitizenSpeaking.com: a large improvement can result from a small change…

The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane. -- Marcus Aurelius

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